dont start living your life for someone else

this life’s too short to not be yourself

Off the High Dive.

I sit here in between your legs

your strong hands gripping my shoulders, my back, my neck

I feel like a doll you could break in half 

like those boys in kindergarden who would run around and break toys

And even though sometimes you hold on a little too tightly

you never push too hard

you never raise your voice

you’re never quick to anger

you’re all good intentions, driven by fierce loyalty

we talk about what we remember about each other

before you knew me inside-out

you make me smile through these tears

im letting go in your arms

you tell me stories about growing up

and as the music changes from song to song

from linkin park to switchfoot, the songs of our childhood

the sky fades to darkness in preparation for nightime

our time together is short but precious

when we’re together I feel safe

you are perfect to and for me

so why can’t I give it back?

I wish I could jump in after you

off the high dive, this obsession

I can only hope you can find her somewhere down there

before I break you break in half

like a doll

Night Journey

I took a sigh of relief as I turned and walked away, and soon enough their voices had faded into the distance. I followed the path, past the tennis courts, to the baseball diamond. Shifting my backpack to a more comfortable position, I placed my hands on the lid of dumpster that leaned against the home team dugout. I swung my leg up onto the lid and then again climbed onto the dugout roof, hiding from the neon glow of florescent tennis court lighting. A soft breeze blew my hair into my face as I sat on the edge of the roof swinging my legs. Looking over at the now-dead cellphone in my hand, I quietly smiled to myself. I hadn’t been this free, this alone, in way too long. 

The shadows had grown long until they blended into each other, creating a blanket of darkness over the entire park. I leaned back, resting my head on my backpack, and looked up at the sky. A bat flew overhead, and I searched the world above me for shooting stars. The sound of the summer breeze gliding through the leaves surrounded me. I caught sight of a flash off to the left out of the corner of my eye, a meteor bursting through the atmosphere. Falling. Crashing. Burning.

9/28/10

From Summer

Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast

The water's warm and children swim

And we frolicked about in our summer skin

- Death Cab for Cutie

Pirandello

"You know well that life is full of infinite absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need to appear plausible since they are true." - Pirandello, Six Characters Looking For An Author

A Reflection

you want to control how you are percieved
but the mirror never shows a true reflection.
how do you know that what you see is what is?
you see, you will see what you want to see, in the mirror
you put on makeup like a mask
until you see what you want to see.
____

your pale skin
your hollow eyes
I can see through to you,
a product of expectations.
you need a revelation.

____

Chaos! Chaos!
don't you see the Chaos?
sitting in a room, hundreds,
absorbing, obeying; our youth
you are I am we are
zombies.
killed by conformity
ressurected by ignorance
what, this Chaos!
in which we are all the same
what is to become of this
Living Paradox?

Beauty

I was lost
blinded by short term gains
living to die
but dying to live
so badly did I want
to control the world around me.
futile.

reborn.
like a child again
viewing the world from wonder
and not frustration
like the messiah
I've come back for you.

I am here to help you open your eyes
let go.
stop trying to control
and instead
see the beauty all around you.

there is something freeing in knowing
that there is nothing you can so sometimes
you don't have to worry about
the day turning into night
it will turn back to day again on its own
the flowers and grass breathe
I don't need to worry
about the leaves falling off the trees
I know they will grow back
isn't that the beauty
of nature around us?

See.

Daisy

I close my eyes and try not to feel

let me hold on to you

I’m blowing away in the wind

in the shadows of of the walls

you build around your heart

I found a tiny yellow flower.

And so I brought it to your gate

you opened the door just wide enough

for me to slip in through the gap

but now I’m alone in this labrynth 

trying to find a way out

but I’m trapped with nobody to guide me

so I’ll sit here and imagine your hand in my hand

your breath on my neck

your body curved next to mine

I promise I will wait for you.

Sometimes

Sometimes i wonder,

Why do we close our eyes and open our ears?

Why do we follow?

How did this begin?

Mask.

"Beneath this mask is more than flesh. Beneath this mask is an idea, and ideas are bulletproof"

Changes

It's getting colder.

At night I can no longer lay on the still-warm grass and look at the stars. Instead, the grass is wet from the rain showers; the moist soil is too cold to sit on. When I look at the sky, I can hardly see the stars behind the dark clouds that cover the heavens like paint on an old canvas.

But, the canvas is now ready to paint again. The white mist of my breath in the cool air dances before my eyes as I exhale. When the cold bites, I hide myself in a fortress of blankets. I enjoy the silence before the rain, the pitter-patter of the raindrops against my window, and the splashes of the puddles as my steps disturb their edges.

So instead of looking down at the grass or up at the sky, I now must look out in front of me. This is not summer anymore. This is a new world.