Background Noise

the little things.

background noise

fills my head 

throughout the day,

the way her hair falls over and beyond

the sharp angle

of her

collarbone,

like a river flowing

spilling over the edge

                                      down into

                                      an abyss. 

blue eyes

I thought.
I thought, I jumped,
my jaw jumped right up onto my lip
and for a fraction of a second I imagined that I had bitten
all the way through my lip
like my brother had as a baby

Oh--I know why
I jumped
I thought.
I thought about how
your eyes were the same color blue as the sign
on the wall of a store
that I drove by
earlier today

I thought because your eyes are blue.

menace pt. 2

coils

laying here

still

and 

motionless

heart beating

throbbing in my

head

like a clock

ticking

silence

the sound of my chest

rising and falling

in the

dark

footsteps

shake the floor

I close my eyes

each thud

filling me a little more

with 

fear

fight or flight

the coils of anxiety

squeezing my neck, my lungs

my back

covered in cold

sweat

heart

beating

apathetically.

Realization #1

sometimes I do not think

I simply know

I know that God is trying

to get out to me

to take ahold of my shoulders and grip them with his force and shake me awake out of this nightmare-ish dream world

He calls to me in

voices of a middle-aged woman

morse code beeps from the microwave

he grabs ahold of my hands

and my fingers and 

controls them like

they are on 

puppet strings.

made of cobwebs.

God speaks to me (in cobweb puppet strings).

a menace to society

sink

this sinking feeling
normally
I can shake off
sleep off
or forget

but this sinking feeling
yes the one where
my throat feels like it is
being constricted
my stomach
has a giant hole in it
my mind is racing
at a million miles per hour

yes this sinking feeling
for some reason
I cannot shake.

twisting and turning

so now I try to sleep
eyes too tired to stay open
mind running too fast to drift off
tormented by my contradicting feelings

tossing and turning under the blankets
my body is warm but my heart is cold
here all alone
left with nowhere to go
after you left me

but this is nothing new
what a silly girl I am
to think I was worthy
of anything more

used.

Karma is a fickle fellow

you see, for me, the rules do not apply

no matter how hard I try

to be nice, to do favors for others

I end up being used

Oh, yeah, sure you "like" me when I'm useful

an ear, a ride, when you're desperately lonely

but once its not to your advantage

I'm left on the side of the road

like yesterday's news

so what am I to do?

if I'm not so nice, people will not like me.

but in being nice, people use me and don't actually like me.

I suppose I bring this on myself

to feel like

I'm not so

alone.

torn

to sit and watch
events unfold before my eyes
powerless
is a painful thing

torn between
the desire to be happy
and the desire for you
to have what you want
which apparently
has nothing to do
with
me.

different

I guess I thought

things would be different

this time.

Everything you wanted

Anything you needed

I was willing to provide

I hardly knew you

but I trusted you,

opened up and let you in

what a mistake I made

a foolish thought

that things would be different.

unconditional

you, you silly little creature

you never fail to cheer me up

leaping bounding into my arms

the second you see me

my mistakes mean nothing to you

you are quick to forgive

never hesitant to love

always at my side

Your age is a mere number

you are unaware of

it does not change the way you

act around me or your

playful demeanor

and when I’m sad

you curl up next to me

warm body next to mine

no words are said

but they dont have to be

simply being there

is enough to make me feel

less lonely

around you, I don’t have to pretend

I’m allowed to feel sad or happy

for no reason at all

it is what it is

and you’re by my side

through it all

no matter what

it’s no wonder I miss you so much now that I'm gone

who we are is not determined by the challenges we face in life but rather the way in which we overcome those challenges

now and then

its times like this when

in the past

i would sink down to my lowest point

give in and give up

resort to mistakes and misunderstandings

to forget everything

but now those days are past

and as I sit here with myself,

all of myself

the faults the flaws and the feelings

i realize

this is the calm before the storm