Boom.

Fascinating, isn't it?

optimism

mistake?

This was my choice

wasn’t it?

A not-so-fleeting thought

a decision, hastily made?

or made hasty

for the best?

So then why does it hurt so badly

to be forgotten

an illusion painted with your words

were you lying to me?

betrayal,

but this was

my fault

after all.

wasn’t it?

silly me.

life doesn’t come

with a built in pfd

grab your hand and pull yourself out of the water.

crash

Theyre coming for me, millions of them

from every side and every angle

faster than i can think, 

cowering in fear, too slow to run, too big to hide

trapped like a zebra in a pack of lions

theres nowhere to escape to

Then all at once theyre inside me

compressing my lungs and my stomache

until I can’t breathe

and all I can think to myself is

“breathe, breathe, breathe”

pulling in gasps of air

hoping that nobody will notice

the silent struggle right in front of them

How many drops has this piece of fabric caught?

How many times has it been suffocated

between my arms, I’m holding on for sanity

burying my wet face into its familiar folds

the smell of my childhood still there

reminding me that part of me is also still there

See how it’s frayed and torn?

well loved or abused?

how long until this fabric tears

pulled back and forth, up and down

like a yo-yo, constantly spinning from one end to the next

there is no reason.

there is never a reason.

this is also what it’s like to be bipolar.

MANIA

Ever since I woke up, I’ve had a huge smile on my face! The sky is blue, the weather is a perfect 74 degrees. I’m comfortable just the way I am; I could stay here forever. There is nothing I need right now: I am not hungry, thirsty, nor do I have to use the bathroom. I am perfectly content. Therefore, I need nothing. The sounds outside remind me of all the possibilities for the day. My feet aren’t cold. I have time before I need to be anywhere. This time is my own! I can’t ever remember being as happy as I am right now. This is the other side of being bipolar.

transparency

why is it
that you seem to see right through me
like a pool of water?
bending the light but remaining clear
like the thoughts I gather,
a list of pros and cons
of catching your attention
in the nets of my captivity
when your eyes pass through my form
I feel them pierce like bullets
Should have just kept walking.

whispers

its times like this I wonder,

when I exhale and watch 

the mist rise from my lips into the crisp night sky,

where do my whispers go

when there is no ear to catch the sound waves?

do they bounce off the walls and fences

down the alleyways until they stop at some

dead end cardboard box graveyard 

brick walls for a friend

or do they sink in

absorbed in the soil, feeding the vines and leaves 

filling the veins of the earth with the oxygen 

of pure unadulterated emotion

the sad truth

it's written in pink.

Word.

MY love.

I never knew I could feel such love

such burning desire

for people

such compassion

I would do anything

I am in love

with each and every one of you

oh if you all knew

what beautiful people you are

How I would bring you roses

to see your smile

What am I supposed to do?

when I love in a way

I can’t explain?

your desire is hormones

my love is humanity

in this way, I am alone.

Dream

sleep is my medication

closing my eyes and drifting off to a world

where everything makes sense

a line is where one color stops and another starts

and a shape is a color that doesn’t quite blend

when excitement turns to rage and rage turns to passion

and passion to love and love is people and people are

human

I know we are all simply human

and make mistakes

in my world

God is in the outside

oodles of doodles of dolphins

well, maybe just one.

When the Elevator Reaches its Destination

Pretty Girl
Standing there in your
Short dress
Too optimistic to stress
When the elevator opened.

Silly girl
Standing there with your
Ice cream
your smile gleamed (at me!)
when the elevator opened

stranger
walking by with their
bold curls
another one of those
same girls

when the elevator opened

My Anthem

My name is Maddie Swisher but they call me the Messiah
They say Jesus walked on water, but I follow Jeremiah
I'm a Jew, how bout you? wanna kick it? join my crew
I'm a trooper in my cooper, come and shwoop ya, what it do

confessions.

cant shake off this familiar feeling
looking for answers in the shapes on the ceiling
I get up and out and slip on my shoes
put on a smile to forget the blues
by the time I've stepped out on the street
ive turned on the tunes and stepped into the same beat

I look at the ground hang my head in shame
you may forget who I am but youll remember the name
cus ive always been a fighter, ive always been capable,
cant explain the way I am, so now I'm mentally unstable?
sometimes I act too reckless, sometimes im just insane
but what did you expect with all these thoughts inside my brain
when i walk into a room there aint no one else like me
so i lift my chin a little, look for positivity
but my stomache feels so empty and the vices all so tempting
my self conscious is degrading, man i think I'm suffocating

from cherry creek to engle wood
come down high street, this is my new hood
im duckin into alleys, im in and out of sight
i know you dont give a fuck but listen to my plight
im fresh, im new, I'm hyfie, im a jew
just tryin to learn the ways, enjoy my days
colorados got me thinkin
tryin to find it but im sinkin
in this quicksand in this drought
gotta pull myself out
keep my head up hold it high,
i know youre looking at the same sky
ill come back dont you worry though my goals are sometimes blurry
ive got all the best intentions,
i dont need no intervention

buzz

Courage

"I call him Swiss Cheese. Why? Because he's good at pulling wagons."

-Bertolt Brecht, Mother Courage and Her Children

Mother...

Mother, should I trust the government?

KO!

Climbing

Above me

branches spiraling outwards
pine needles like barbed wire
fraught with mines of sap

Above me

guarding the sanctuary within
a network of hand holds and
perching places

Above me

a childhood playground
drawing the youth inside me
like magnets on the fridge

Above me

a chalenge, taunting me
adventure waiting
a risk worth taking--

the world,

Below me.