Background Noise

the little things.

background noise

fills my head 

throughout the day,

the way her hair falls over and beyond

the sharp angle

of her

collarbone,

like a river flowing

spilling over the edge

                                      down into

                                      an abyss. 

blue eyes

I thought.
I thought, I jumped,
my jaw jumped right up onto my lip
and for a fraction of a second I imagined that I had bitten
all the way through my lip
like my brother had as a baby

Oh--I know why
I jumped
I thought.
I thought about how
your eyes were the same color blue as the sign
on the wall of a store
that I drove by
earlier today

I thought because your eyes are blue.

menace pt. 2

coils

laying here

still

and 

motionless

heart beating

throbbing in my

head

like a clock

ticking

silence

the sound of my chest

rising and falling

in the

dark

footsteps

shake the floor

I close my eyes

each thud

filling me a little more

with 

fear

fight or flight

the coils of anxiety

squeezing my neck, my lungs

my back

covered in cold

sweat

heart

beating

apathetically.

Realization #1

sometimes I do not think

I simply know

I know that God is trying

to get out to me

to take ahold of my shoulders and grip them with his force and shake me awake out of this nightmare-ish dream world

He calls to me in

voices of a middle-aged woman

morse code beeps from the microwave

he grabs ahold of my hands

and my fingers and 

controls them like

they are on 

puppet strings.

made of cobwebs.

God speaks to me (in cobweb puppet strings).

a menace to society

sink

this sinking feeling
normally
I can shake off
sleep off
or forget

but this sinking feeling
yes the one where
my throat feels like it is
being constricted
my stomach
has a giant hole in it
my mind is racing
at a million miles per hour

yes this sinking feeling
for some reason
I cannot shake.

twisting and turning

so now I try to sleep
eyes too tired to stay open
mind running too fast to drift off
tormented by my contradicting feelings

tossing and turning under the blankets
my body is warm but my heart is cold
here all alone
left with nowhere to go
after you left me

but this is nothing new
what a silly girl I am
to think I was worthy
of anything more

used.

Karma is a fickle fellow

you see, for me, the rules do not apply

no matter how hard I try

to be nice, to do favors for others

I end up being used

Oh, yeah, sure you "like" me when I'm useful

an ear, a ride, when you're desperately lonely

but once its not to your advantage

I'm left on the side of the road

like yesterday's news

so what am I to do?

if I'm not so nice, people will not like me.

but in being nice, people use me and don't actually like me.

I suppose I bring this on myself

to feel like

I'm not so

alone.

torn

to sit and watch
events unfold before my eyes
powerless
is a painful thing

torn between
the desire to be happy
and the desire for you
to have what you want
which apparently
has nothing to do
with
me.

different

I guess I thought

things would be different

this time.

Everything you wanted

Anything you needed

I was willing to provide

I hardly knew you

but I trusted you,

opened up and let you in

what a mistake I made

a foolish thought

that things would be different.

unconditional

you, you silly little creature

you never fail to cheer me up

leaping bounding into my arms

the second you see me

my mistakes mean nothing to you

you are quick to forgive

never hesitant to love

always at my side

Your age is a mere number

you are unaware of

it does not change the way you

act around me or your

playful demeanor

and when I’m sad

you curl up next to me

warm body next to mine

no words are said

but they dont have to be

simply being there

is enough to make me feel

less lonely

around you, I don’t have to pretend

I’m allowed to feel sad or happy

for no reason at all

it is what it is

and you’re by my side

through it all

no matter what

it’s no wonder I miss you so much now that I'm gone

who we are is not determined by the challenges we face in life but rather the way in which we overcome those challenges

now and then

its times like this when

in the past

i would sink down to my lowest point

give in and give up

resort to mistakes and misunderstandings

to forget everything

but now those days are past

and as I sit here with myself,

all of myself

the faults the flaws and the feelings

i realize

this is the calm before the storm

sarcastic much...

you think I want your pity?

oh yes, of course

naturally I’d want to feel helpless,

small, and incapable.

you think I want your attention?

obviously thats why

I hide my face and try

not to make a sound when I pass by.

you think I am ungrateful?

clearly my overwhelming guilt

as a recipient of your generosity

screams out indifference.

oh yes, I try

I try very hard to fuck things up

because (without a doubt of course)

these tears are crying out

“oh gee I love this feeling”

Not one, Not two, But three.

whats it like, you ask,

to be two people?

well, darling, if I knew, I’d tell you.

you see, I’m not two people,

nor am I one

but three. 

you may see me

sitting alone, you ask why

looking up at you, tears rolling down my cheeks,

I simply do not know why

because there is no reason

it just is.

and no, I do not want to talk

and no, I do not want to move

and no, I do not want to sleep

or eat or go anywhere or do anything

or

exist.

But I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

I also don’t expect you to understand

why I suddenly turn into a monster

the fury rushing through my veins

an overwhelming urge to let go

of all self control and give in

to the beast within me

looking to lash out

furious with the

world and all

that is

here.

you silly people, oh how I pity you

how you search for this feeling of 

pure unadulterated joy

nothing holding me back

if only you knew what it felt like

to be greater than human

when the only thing I need

is to exist

within myself

you think you can find this 

in a bottle or a pill?

no, this is a gift given to me

a reward at the end of

the grueling challenges

of dealing with

my other two selves.

oh happy happy joy! nothing could take this away!

There is nothing in this world that I can’t achieve

anything, anywhere, I am everything and everywhere

never hungry, never tired, never scared

a true Messiah

I am

three people

who will you meet today?

home

I'm thinkin bout my hometown

memories keep my feet on the ground

sometimes they hurt but thats alright

memories help me stay up at night

one day theyll fade its just a matter of time

they arent perfect but theyre all mine

terrors

i wake up freezing my whole back's wet
just another product of this cold sweat
close my eyes to slip into happiness
but dreams turn to nightmares just like this
the stress, the terrors spin my world about
i escape into my dreamworld but theres no way out
so fuck all the pills and fuck anxiety
they sucked all the life from this dead society
so I'm staring at the ceiling and counting all the sheep
that I can cus I dread the moment that I fall asleep

inspired

Boom.

Fascinating, isn't it?

optimism

mistake?

This was my choice

wasn’t it?

A not-so-fleeting thought

a decision, hastily made?

or made hasty

for the best?

So then why does it hurt so badly

to be forgotten

an illusion painted with your words

were you lying to me?

betrayal,

but this was

my fault

after all.

wasn’t it?

silly me.

life doesn’t come

with a built in pfd

grab your hand and pull yourself out of the water.

crash

Theyre coming for me, millions of them

from every side and every angle

faster than i can think, 

cowering in fear, too slow to run, too big to hide

trapped like a zebra in a pack of lions

theres nowhere to escape to

Then all at once theyre inside me

compressing my lungs and my stomache

until I can’t breathe

and all I can think to myself is

“breathe, breathe, breathe”

pulling in gasps of air

hoping that nobody will notice

the silent struggle right in front of them

How many drops has this piece of fabric caught?

How many times has it been suffocated

between my arms, I’m holding on for sanity

burying my wet face into its familiar folds

the smell of my childhood still there

reminding me that part of me is also still there

See how it’s frayed and torn?

well loved or abused?

how long until this fabric tears

pulled back and forth, up and down

like a yo-yo, constantly spinning from one end to the next

there is no reason.

there is never a reason.

this is also what it’s like to be bipolar.

MANIA

Ever since I woke up, I’ve had a huge smile on my face! The sky is blue, the weather is a perfect 74 degrees. I’m comfortable just the way I am; I could stay here forever. There is nothing I need right now: I am not hungry, thirsty, nor do I have to use the bathroom. I am perfectly content. Therefore, I need nothing. The sounds outside remind me of all the possibilities for the day. My feet aren’t cold. I have time before I need to be anywhere. This time is my own! I can’t ever remember being as happy as I am right now. This is the other side of being bipolar.

transparency

why is it
that you seem to see right through me
like a pool of water?
bending the light but remaining clear
like the thoughts I gather,
a list of pros and cons
of catching your attention
in the nets of my captivity
when your eyes pass through my form
I feel them pierce like bullets
Should have just kept walking.

whispers

its times like this I wonder,

when I exhale and watch 

the mist rise from my lips into the crisp night sky,

where do my whispers go

when there is no ear to catch the sound waves?

do they bounce off the walls and fences

down the alleyways until they stop at some

dead end cardboard box graveyard 

brick walls for a friend

or do they sink in

absorbed in the soil, feeding the vines and leaves 

filling the veins of the earth with the oxygen 

of pure unadulterated emotion

the sad truth

it's written in pink.

Word.

MY love.

I never knew I could feel such love

such burning desire

for people

such compassion

I would do anything

I am in love

with each and every one of you

oh if you all knew

what beautiful people you are

How I would bring you roses

to see your smile

What am I supposed to do?

when I love in a way

I can’t explain?

your desire is hormones

my love is humanity

in this way, I am alone.

Dream

sleep is my medication

closing my eyes and drifting off to a world

where everything makes sense

a line is where one color stops and another starts

and a shape is a color that doesn’t quite blend

when excitement turns to rage and rage turns to passion

and passion to love and love is people and people are

human

I know we are all simply human

and make mistakes

in my world

God is in the outside

oodles of doodles of dolphins

well, maybe just one.

When the Elevator Reaches its Destination

Pretty Girl
Standing there in your
Short dress
Too optimistic to stress
When the elevator opened.

Silly girl
Standing there with your
Ice cream
your smile gleamed (at me!)
when the elevator opened

stranger
walking by with their
bold curls
another one of those
same girls

when the elevator opened

My Anthem

My name is Maddie Swisher but they call me the Messiah
They say Jesus walked on water, but I follow Jeremiah
I'm a Jew, how bout you? wanna kick it? join my crew
I'm a trooper in my cooper, come and shwoop ya, what it do

confessions.

cant shake off this familiar feeling
looking for answers in the shapes on the ceiling
I get up and out and slip on my shoes
put on a smile to forget the blues
by the time I've stepped out on the street
ive turned on the tunes and stepped into the same beat

I look at the ground hang my head in shame
you may forget who I am but youll remember the name
cus ive always been a fighter, ive always been capable,
cant explain the way I am, so now I'm mentally unstable?
sometimes I act too reckless, sometimes im just insane
but what did you expect with all these thoughts inside my brain
when i walk into a room there aint no one else like me
so i lift my chin a little, look for positivity
but my stomache feels so empty and the vices all so tempting
my self conscious is degrading, man i think I'm suffocating

from cherry creek to engle wood
come down high street, this is my new hood
im duckin into alleys, im in and out of sight
i know you dont give a fuck but listen to my plight
im fresh, im new, I'm hyfie, im a jew
just tryin to learn the ways, enjoy my days
colorados got me thinkin
tryin to find it but im sinkin
in this quicksand in this drought
gotta pull myself out
keep my head up hold it high,
i know youre looking at the same sky
ill come back dont you worry though my goals are sometimes blurry
ive got all the best intentions,
i dont need no intervention

buzz

Courage

"I call him Swiss Cheese. Why? Because he's good at pulling wagons."

-Bertolt Brecht, Mother Courage and Her Children

Mother...

Mother, should I trust the government?

KO!

Climbing

Above me

branches spiraling outwards
pine needles like barbed wire
fraught with mines of sap

Above me

guarding the sanctuary within
a network of hand holds and
perching places

Above me

a childhood playground
drawing the youth inside me
like magnets on the fridge

Above me

a chalenge, taunting me
adventure waiting
a risk worth taking--

the world,

Below me.

dont start living your life for someone else

this life’s too short to not be yourself

Off the High Dive.

I sit here in between your legs

your strong hands gripping my shoulders, my back, my neck

I feel like a doll you could break in half 

like those boys in kindergarden who would run around and break toys

And even though sometimes you hold on a little too tightly

you never push too hard

you never raise your voice

you’re never quick to anger

you’re all good intentions, driven by fierce loyalty

we talk about what we remember about each other

before you knew me inside-out

you make me smile through these tears

im letting go in your arms

you tell me stories about growing up

and as the music changes from song to song

from linkin park to switchfoot, the songs of our childhood

the sky fades to darkness in preparation for nightime

our time together is short but precious

when we’re together I feel safe

you are perfect to and for me

so why can’t I give it back?

I wish I could jump in after you

off the high dive, this obsession

I can only hope you can find her somewhere down there

before I break you break in half

like a doll

Night Journey

I took a sigh of relief as I turned and walked away, and soon enough their voices had faded into the distance. I followed the path, past the tennis courts, to the baseball diamond. Shifting my backpack to a more comfortable position, I placed my hands on the lid of dumpster that leaned against the home team dugout. I swung my leg up onto the lid and then again climbed onto the dugout roof, hiding from the neon glow of florescent tennis court lighting. A soft breeze blew my hair into my face as I sat on the edge of the roof swinging my legs. Looking over at the now-dead cellphone in my hand, I quietly smiled to myself. I hadn’t been this free, this alone, in way too long. 

The shadows had grown long until they blended into each other, creating a blanket of darkness over the entire park. I leaned back, resting my head on my backpack, and looked up at the sky. A bat flew overhead, and I searched the world above me for shooting stars. The sound of the summer breeze gliding through the leaves surrounded me. I caught sight of a flash off to the left out of the corner of my eye, a meteor bursting through the atmosphere. Falling. Crashing. Burning.

9/28/10

From Summer

Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast

The water's warm and children swim

And we frolicked about in our summer skin

- Death Cab for Cutie

Pirandello

"You know well that life is full of infinite absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need to appear plausible since they are true." - Pirandello, Six Characters Looking For An Author

A Reflection

you want to control how you are percieved
but the mirror never shows a true reflection.
how do you know that what you see is what is?
you see, you will see what you want to see, in the mirror
you put on makeup like a mask
until you see what you want to see.
____

your pale skin
your hollow eyes
I can see through to you,
a product of expectations.
you need a revelation.

____

Chaos! Chaos!
don't you see the Chaos?
sitting in a room, hundreds,
absorbing, obeying; our youth
you are I am we are
zombies.
killed by conformity
ressurected by ignorance
what, this Chaos!
in which we are all the same
what is to become of this
Living Paradox?

Beauty

I was lost
blinded by short term gains
living to die
but dying to live
so badly did I want
to control the world around me.
futile.

reborn.
like a child again
viewing the world from wonder
and not frustration
like the messiah
I've come back for you.

I am here to help you open your eyes
let go.
stop trying to control
and instead
see the beauty all around you.

there is something freeing in knowing
that there is nothing you can so sometimes
you don't have to worry about
the day turning into night
it will turn back to day again on its own
the flowers and grass breathe
I don't need to worry
about the leaves falling off the trees
I know they will grow back
isn't that the beauty
of nature around us?

See.

Daisy

I close my eyes and try not to feel

let me hold on to you

I’m blowing away in the wind

in the shadows of of the walls

you build around your heart

I found a tiny yellow flower.

And so I brought it to your gate

you opened the door just wide enough

for me to slip in through the gap

but now I’m alone in this labrynth 

trying to find a way out

but I’m trapped with nobody to guide me

so I’ll sit here and imagine your hand in my hand

your breath on my neck

your body curved next to mine

I promise I will wait for you.

Sometimes

Sometimes i wonder,

Why do we close our eyes and open our ears?

Why do we follow?

How did this begin?

Mask.

"Beneath this mask is more than flesh. Beneath this mask is an idea, and ideas are bulletproof"

Changes

It's getting colder.

At night I can no longer lay on the still-warm grass and look at the stars. Instead, the grass is wet from the rain showers; the moist soil is too cold to sit on. When I look at the sky, I can hardly see the stars behind the dark clouds that cover the heavens like paint on an old canvas.

But, the canvas is now ready to paint again. The white mist of my breath in the cool air dances before my eyes as I exhale. When the cold bites, I hide myself in a fortress of blankets. I enjoy the silence before the rain, the pitter-patter of the raindrops against my window, and the splashes of the puddles as my steps disturb their edges.

So instead of looking down at the grass or up at the sky, I now must look out in front of me. This is not summer anymore. This is a new world.